For Immediate Release

UPI (Bismark, N.D.)

In what can only be termed an incredible coincidence, former Sandusky vocalist Sal McKraut is reportedly embroiled in a standoff with ATF agents in Minot, North Dakota.

The news comes on the heels of the announcement that Sandusky drummer Dive Oliphant had broken his half-decade silence with a 90-minute, tear-ridden, onanistic, and homoerotic paean to his former bandmates.

McKraut has long been feared dead after his schooner mysteriously disappeared off the coast of Ireland in early 2002. A subsequent Geraldo Rivera special failed to shed any light on the singer's disappearance, spurring self-proclaimed "Sandusky fanatic" Leonard Nimoy to resurrect his cult 1970s TV show, In Search Of in an attempt to "cast the bright light of truth upon those scoundrels of deceit who depend on the shadows of apathy to cloak their knave and inhuman machinations." Nimoy's efforts were in vain, as CBS were forced to pull the show after half an episode after Nimoy aired clips of McKraut's disturbing turn in the infamous 1997 snuff film, Horatio Cornholer.

Next to take up the missing singer's cause was a cabal of young Canadian filmmakers, who threatened to uncover what they claimed was a government hit on McKraut, but an untimely outbreak of Legionnaire's Disease at the 2001 Toronto Film Festival wiped out the entire crew. The group's film and equipment were never found, further fueling speculation that McKraut had met with foul play.

A clearly skeptical contingent of musicians and pornographers mercilessly heckled FBI spokesperson Liddy Schuster after she announced federal agents and McKraut were embroiled in a standoff at the singer's underground compound high in the wind-blown steppes of the USA's most maligned state. Schuster maintains the FBI had information that McKraut was planning to "breathe some life into the fetid cadaver of the Symbionese Liberation Army" by stockpiling guns, duty-free liquor, and " underage pussy."

"He also mentioned something about Patty Hearst and DVDA, whatever that means," Schuster added. "McKraut's disturbing history of pedophilia, combined with the recidivist rates of these insidious acts, made it clear to us that action had to be taken. Unfortunately, we did not expect McKraut to be so well armed. We have repeatedly tried to negotiate with Mr. McKraut, but our attempts have been met with either silence, gunfire, or taped recordings of McKraut reading from Ronnie James Dio's Holy Diver."

Despite Schuster's grim-faced assertions, Sandusky fan Jules Alfonseca remained unconvinced. "The dude's already dead. They iced his ass back in Ireland cos they didn't like what his next record was going to be. That shit was gonna to rip the lid off tha motherfucking joint. Now they are staging this sham of a standoff to bamboozle the populace, so they can say he died up there and take the heat off their corrupt asses. But mark my words - the bitches underestimate us. Sal, you shall be redeemed, my brother."

Asked to elaborate, Alfonseca respectfully declined, citing his fear that "to speak now would be to sign my own death warrant."

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