The rigors of the road were wearing thin on the perverse troubadours; the endless touring was taking a noticeable toll. Friends and ex-wives decided to intervene. 1999 was a good year for interventions.
Dive was beating on his drum set of the moment—four large doumbecs with a cymbal wrapped in tinfoil and held together with duct tape. Sal had stolen the cymbal from a cheap Sears drum kit and presented it to his friend as a belated wedding present for Dive's short-lived marriage to his second wife, actress Bonnie Franklin.
The walls of Dickwood, the band's new cabin in the "hills" of southern Utah, were shaking from the sound, as the drums were amplified through a high-output PA. The windows had been shattered months before when the band christened Dickwood with a fuzz guitar version of "Bestseller," and local authorities reported a drastic relocation by much of the area's wildlife.
Sal was lying on a couch with a plastic bag over his head to "warm up" his voice, trying to bang his head along with Dive's poly-rhythmic, free-form drum solo. His hair was a newly dyed green—the result of an altercation with some locals. He was becoming emaciated after fasting for eleven days, and still four days left on his task. He was living on what he called "a diet of fresh air, clean water, cigarettes, wine, and Pez."—which he often did within the cabin, until Jonas complained that his dog, Ginger, was getting sick from licking up the goo.
Neither of them heard the cars drive up, nor the passengers who knocked insistently on the door. Sal and Dive were startled, but quickly amused when their friend, Ritchie Sambora, clumsily crawled through one of the always-open windows and fell on his ass, hitting the floor in a spot covered with broken glass. The pair continued laughing until Ritchie said that he was hurt and they noticed the pool of blood under him. After checking and finding the shards of glass had not hit any major arteries, Sal and Dive continued laughing.
Besides Sambora, Sandusky's Father and Holy Ghost found themselves being visited by Loretta Swit, Dive's first wife; Becky Longmueller and Valerie Bertinelli, two of Sa;'s ex-girlfriends, the latter having caused the singer a black eye from the fist of Eddie Van Halen (Sal talked about the incident in an issue of The People's Free Press shortly after it occurred.)
"Yeah, so, this chick [Bertinelli] has a different last name, so how'm I supposed to know she was married to the dude? Anyway, he sucker-punched me in the eye, I freaked out and beat the shit out of him—that's how I got the attempted murder thing [the charge was dropped when the DA found out the attempt was towards a musician]—yeah, so I was standing over him and saying some pretty cold shit about how David [Lee Roth] was the only one in the band with any talent—then I was blindsided by his brother and some fat guy—Anyway, the pigs grabbed us and I didn't find out 'til later when Eddie attacked me—I was, like—I don't fuck with married women you know—I mean, I thought him and Val were just living together—Yeah, so I don't feel bad about kicking the shit out of him, you know, you just don't hit Sal McKraut, you know? But, in retrospect, that shit I said about David was pretty hurtful—especially when I found out that he wasn't even with them anymore—So, you know I feel bad about that—and the married thing—But the fact that I kicked his ass, and the fact that I can no longer go to the Hard Rock Café? Could I give a rat shit? Ask me if I give a rat shit! Reporter: Do you give a rat shit? No! I don't give a rat shit!
Over the next half hour they were also joined by their friend Arthur, who they called "Kevbo," a nickname given to him during the period when they were convinced that his name was "Kevin," and his girlfriend, Sabrina Johnson, newly retired from the porn industry; Ron Jeremy, who kept whispering "I fucked her, you know" to Arthur; rapper Ice Cold D-Lite Ice, and unsuccessful hip-hop artist who Sandusky collaborated with after Ice had come up to them on the street to tell them how "dope" their country-rap song, "We're Givin' Up—Yeah/We Ain't Givin' Up Shit" was for "three white mutha'fuckas"' and lastly by their long-time roadie and friend, "Snotty Johnny" Kumpkachka.
All of them had converged on Dickwood to try and convince Sal, Dive and the absent Jonas t take a much-needed rest. They were all in their mid-forties (except for Dive, who was 46), and they could no longer push themselves through the brutal routine of writing, recording, and touring. Oddly, no one mentioned the inhuman amounts of chemicals (mostly "proven" legal drugs like cigarettes and alcohol, and street drugs like heroin or grass, but also varied "experiments" like smoking modeling clay or shooting up with kerosene) that the members of Sandusky ingested to ease the troubles of the road.
Dive began crying and hugging those who had gathered for the sake of the three beloved friends. After three "shots" (pint-sized milk cartons filled with Belgian rum and dissolved sleeping pills), Sal was similarly moved. Dive and Sal came to the realization that they had to give themselves a rest and take some time to enjoy life. They were a little worried about the probably reaction from Sturgis, who described his managerial philosophy as "push them 'til they're dead—or unprofitable," but they would deal with that later, or maybe trick Jonas into giving him a blowjob.
Hours later, after the friends of the band set out to return where they came from, the sun was setting over Dickwood. As they barbecued and drank beer, Sal and Dive reflected on what it meant to them to have seven friends concerned about their health and welfare, and one employee who wanted some time off. It was decided that after the upcoming U.S. tour in the fall, there would only be seven more tours of the states, and only two more world tours (in actuality, Sandusky's "world" tours were wide-scale tours of the U.S., with a few stops in Canada; Belgium, where they were, and still are, a huge concert draw; and Japan, where they are largely hated and misunderstood, except by a small, loyal following).
When Jonas wandered home covered in smudges of black tar and laughing, his band mates told him of the new development, and the new decision. Jonas said "cool" and stumbled off to giggle in the shower.
notes:
• Japanese concert — Sandusky gets particularly obscene and nonsensical in performance — Nudity, masturbation, curse-ridden tirades, et cetera — The audience sits politely still and quiet — Then dutifully applauds between songs —
• Jonas has a acciden, nearly electrocutes himself when he tries to play his new Gibson SG in the shower —
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